M I S H I M A

Music | Tired of Being Alone by Al Green

My brother sent the family an email with a subject title that didn't make me expect what I got...



Upon opening the attachment, I think I was initially shocked, but quickly a calm fell upon me and a smile that came straight out of my heart. I think for the moment I was truly happy for them... Tom and Yuki, together.

I look at those letters, M I S H I M A and I am very proud to have that name, to be associated, to be apart of the family that Tom and Yuki brought up.

I love you always...

Ted

1 Year Anniversary

Music | I Want to Talk About You by John Coltrane

I've got a heavy heart today, out of the blue shedding tears... It was on this day a year ago my mother passed. Last year it was a Friday... I found out around 2:30 in the afternoon... I had to pick up Dara from camp and just felt the need to do something with her after I had told her the news... We drove to Forest Park, walked deep into the woods along a path that had a creek. I had told her that all of the water that fell down this creek would eventually make it to the Pacific Ocean where Grandma's home land was... Japan. We took solace knowing this and made a few rock sculptures in the river bed in her honor. We whispered our well wishes on to leaves, placed them in the water and watched them float down stream.

Today, Dara had remembered what we did and wanted to go back. However, she decided we should write notes and leave them with more rock sculptures that we would create, again in the same general place we did last year.

I'm so happy that Dara has fond memories of her Grandmother and the tradition we started one year ago today.

We're thinking of you, Mom. We love you and miss you terribly...

Yuki Mishima 1924-2008

August 23, 1924

I've heard that lots of people pass close to their birth day. So it was for my Mom. She would have been 84, today.

So to deal with my Mom's death, I've been trying to stay busy, but still let the grieving take its course. I had one dream this past week where I was sleeping and heard my Mom's pitter patter footsteps in her slippers walking along the linoleum floor like when I was a kid. The rhythm can only be make by a little Japanese woman. I suddenly woke up expecting to see her...

Almost any conversation I have about my Mom brings on a tear. It won't matter where I am or what I'm doing...

I was driving in the car, listening to music running an errand and something on the radio reminded me of my Mom. I started crying like a blubbering baby.

Ha, even as I write this I can feel the tears coming. It isn't necessarily sadness, I don't think. I have lots of happy memories that can keep me going for a long time. It is just that she is gone... OK, it is the meloncholy...

Japanese Origami Cranes...

There is a Japanese folk tale about making 1000 origami cranes so you may have a healthy life, marriage, wish... When my Mom was told of her situation, she started making them, not with the intention of making 1000 of them so she could survive, but to give to people who crossed her path. She gave them to friends, neighbors in her retirement complex, nurses, doctors, even people at the pharmacy. My sister told me during a previous visit,she would see her origami cranes all over the place... My Mom told each recipient that the Crane represented a long an happy life...

When I visited my Mom in July, she made a special crane for Dara. I thought it would be nice to photograph her with her own crane. It is kept in her jewelry box with its own partition...

Rest in Peace...

At approximetely 4:45 p.m. CST, my Mom passed away with my Dad and one of my sisters by her side. When my phone rang minutes ago and I saw it was my other sister calling, I braced myself for the news. The inevitable has happened.

My mother passed on her own terms. With only 3 months advance notice, she never once wavered in her strength and never pitied herself. She was always concerned about how the rest of us were doing, in the face of what she was going thru. She didn't fear death and was ready to go when the time came.

Our last conversation, she expressed her last wishes for me, told me that everything would be ok and that she love me. I'm happy of our last goodbye...

The Strength of a Mom...

Music | Colors Fade by Rie Sinclair

My Mom is an amazing woman. Apparently this morning, she wasn't doing well at all. She went into a bit of a panic from what I can understand. The hospice nurse was called in and it was of her opinion that my Mom was going thru similar actions of a person just before they would die. I just found out minutes ago what had happened so I called immediately. I was surprised to here my Mom so coherent as she was when she was given the phone. As I told her I loved her so much and burst out into tears, my Mom was consoling me... She said that every thing is OK and that everything is in place as she would want it.

It does make me feel so much more at ease to know that she is at peace before she herself lets go.

hello...

Music Heaven by Lamb

Never before have I been more aware of being in a state of grayness, than I have been for the last few weeks. I'm moving with the winds in the air, waves on the water. I know I'm floating, waiting to hear of the imminent news of my Mom's death.

At this very moment, tears well up in my eyes and roll down my cheek. I don't have a specific thought about my Mom in my head. I don't know if there is any room for anything in particular... I just sit here 2000 miles away, near midnight and think of her.

More Good Byes...

Music | Threads by David S. Ware

I'm back home from an emotional trip to the Midwest to see Mom. I'll just get right to it... I wrote late evening after my Mom's living wake...

2008-07-05

It is the night before I will never see my mother again... Every moment of the day carries the weight of a lifetime. I see sadness and pain and I feel for my mother... I see fleeting joy and happiness and know it will really be short lived... I can't bear the thought that after tomorrow, I will never see her again. We'll talk on the phone, I'll send photos, but the largest part of my own life will move on, out of this lifetime that I am apart of.

I sit hear writing, tears falling from my eyes, with my mind filled with thoughts of my mother. I'm glad that I was a part of today, with my family and some of her friends to show our love... I know she had a good day, with lots of smiles and feelings of true love.

I will miss you so much Mom. I love your with all my heart!

And yesterday at the airport while waiting for my flight...

2008-07-08

The day of departing our separate ways was bittersweet. Mom woke up early not feeling comfortable. We all knew that for me, it would be the last time I would see her. We sat outside around the front door and as the seconds to the moment to say good bye came, Mom said this would be the last time she would be here, put her face in her lap and let loose. I've never seen her cry like this, openly sobbing. The only time that came close was when she got a call from Japan to hear that her last surviving brother had just passed away. I could only follow Mom's lead, crying and trying to console her at the same time. She said that she wasn't emotional like this because she was dying, but because that she would not be around the family anymore, of being together.

I walked her to the car where she got seated and situated. I gave her one last hug, one last kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. Dad pulled out of the drive way and moved forward to head home as Mom waved thru the open window.

More on Mom...

Music | Who Used to Dance by Abbey Lincoln

I'm getting ready for my trip back to see my Mom in a few days, since the bad news that was brought on to us. I realized there are things that cannot wait and others things that just don't matter much at all.

I sprung to action regarding a photo that I shot of her, probably not more than 10-12 years ago when she and my Dad still lived in Chicago. Thru out her life, she has been adventurous, having competitively jumped horses, piloted glider planes and always beat the boys in running races when she was younger.

I don't remember specifically, but I'm sure during this day, we were sitting in the living room doing nothing in particular when my Mom could have just grabbed my jacket and put it on. I may have had a point and shoot in the pocket and added the sun glasses for more effect. A quick pose and a quick few snaps and here is a photo that depicts my Mom... adventurous, humorous, with a bit of spontaneity...



And btw, I do recall my Mom wanted to go to the grocery store one afternoon when I rode my motorcycle instead of driving the car. She really needed to go so she got on the back of my bike with my over sized helmet on her tiny head and we headed off. She had to be at least 70 years old at the time and never missed a beat. The looks we got were great!

Time...

Music | Wild is the Wind by Nina Simone

In the time it takes to have a conversation, my Mom found out she has about 4 months to live with stomach, liver and I think lung cancer. After hearing about the 4 months, I didn't really comprehend too much after that... She had seen the doctors about some back pain just a week earlier, but had another complication that turned into another visit to the doctors, that turned into tests and turned into the conversation that lead to the news of my Mom's fate. I found out thru my sister, Iris the day before I spoke with my Mom that there was some serious health issues. I called her the next day, about 2 hours before she got the news. She was upbeat, but knew she had the cancers. That evening, after her conversation with the doctor, she called me and told me the news. All the cancer, the 4 months... I was quite surprised by her demeanor in which she talked with me. She showed me strength and even some humor.

About 5 months ago, my Mother told me about a dream she recently had. Clear as yesterday, she said she saw her mother, dressed beautifully and at about the young age she had passed away. They sat together as my Grandmother spoke to her and told my Mom that right now is not the time, that she had some things to still settle and take care of. When it is time, she will know.

I brought up that conversation that she had while we had our talk that evening. I think the comfort that my Mom has from that dream has given her the strength to turn down chemo treatments and let nature take its own course. She has said she is not afraid of dying. "It is Time" and she knows her mother will be there for her.