A Nice Distraction...

Music | One for Daddy-O by Cannonball Adderley

All summer long, Dara has been going to summer camp for all of the morning and most of the day, which leaves my time with her to a minimum... Drag as it has been, she has been having a great summer with lots to talk about and new skills under her belt. This last week, there was no summer camp, so we've been able to just hang out together to ride our bikes, hike in the woods, ice cream runs... I know she is getting to an age where she'd rather hang out with friends and do the gossipy things girls her age do and most all, to my chagrin, talk about boys... I've been told by my friends with girls a bit older than she that this time would come... I hope I'm ready!

So though I'd like to spend the last few days of summer vacation with her alone, she got to go with one of her best friends to Oaks Park Amusement Park to do whatever they wanted. Roller Coasters, other rides that would make me vomit, ice cream cones and lots of girl talk as they waited for their turn to get on the rides, ensued. As the evening was ending, they got to go an a ride, not unlike a ferris wheel, but could rotate 360º in a cage called the Rock O Plane. Since no one was waiting in line to go on, the operator of the ride asked if the rider would like to stay on or get off. 4 more times they went without having to get out and start over... No thanks!

So as school approaches, another year starting, one level of growing up surpassed, we go into another. 9 years old and 4th grade... Here she comes!

Yuki Mishima 1924-2008

August 23, 1924

I've heard that lots of people pass close to their birth day. So it was for my Mom. She would have been 84, today.

So to deal with my Mom's death, I've been trying to stay busy, but still let the grieving take its course. I had one dream this past week where I was sleeping and heard my Mom's pitter patter footsteps in her slippers walking along the linoleum floor like when I was a kid. The rhythm can only be make by a little Japanese woman. I suddenly woke up expecting to see her...

Almost any conversation I have about my Mom brings on a tear. It won't matter where I am or what I'm doing...

I was driving in the car, listening to music running an errand and something on the radio reminded me of my Mom. I started crying like a blubbering baby.

Ha, even as I write this I can feel the tears coming. It isn't necessarily sadness, I don't think. I have lots of happy memories that can keep me going for a long time. It is just that she is gone... OK, it is the meloncholy...

Japanese Origami Cranes...

There is a Japanese folk tale about making 1000 origami cranes so you may have a healthy life, marriage, wish... When my Mom was told of her situation, she started making them, not with the intention of making 1000 of them so she could survive, but to give to people who crossed her path. She gave them to friends, neighbors in her retirement complex, nurses, doctors, even people at the pharmacy. My sister told me during a previous visit,she would see her origami cranes all over the place... My Mom told each recipient that the Crane represented a long an happy life...

When I visited my Mom in July, she made a special crane for Dara. I thought it would be nice to photograph her with her own crane. It is kept in her jewelry box with its own partition...

Rest in Peace...

At approximetely 4:45 p.m. CST, my Mom passed away with my Dad and one of my sisters by her side. When my phone rang minutes ago and I saw it was my other sister calling, I braced myself for the news. The inevitable has happened.

My mother passed on her own terms. With only 3 months advance notice, she never once wavered in her strength and never pitied herself. She was always concerned about how the rest of us were doing, in the face of what she was going thru. She didn't fear death and was ready to go when the time came.

Our last conversation, she expressed her last wishes for me, told me that everything would be ok and that she love me. I'm happy of our last goodbye...

The Strength of a Mom...

Music | Colors Fade by Rie Sinclair

My Mom is an amazing woman. Apparently this morning, she wasn't doing well at all. She went into a bit of a panic from what I can understand. The hospice nurse was called in and it was of her opinion that my Mom was going thru similar actions of a person just before they would die. I just found out minutes ago what had happened so I called immediately. I was surprised to here my Mom so coherent as she was when she was given the phone. As I told her I loved her so much and burst out into tears, my Mom was consoling me... She said that every thing is OK and that everything is in place as she would want it.

It does make me feel so much more at ease to know that she is at peace before she herself lets go.

Curves, LIne and Speed

Music | The Sea by Morcheeba

It was nice to have some distraction from the end of last week into the weekend. Lots of hard work, but being fulfilled with amazing stimuli for the ears and the eyes. My first visit to the lauded race track of Laguna Seca in Monterey, CA was a lot of fun. I love cars, but the cars I saw over the weekend were true works of art. I was covering the Ferrari Challenge for a client, but was also treated to some historic car racing as well.

Patience and Distraction

Music | Reel Life (Evolution II) by The Cinematic Orchestra

During my time floating, as I am still, I don't want to over look some great things that have happened over the last few months. My movements may be slow, but I've got lots that needs to get off the ground...

I found myself finding my way back to large format photography, which got me closer to Platinum Palladium printing and Wet Plate Collodian alumitypes. I found new interest in shooting more film, first 4x5 and now 21/4, which took me to the Yashica Mat124G and now to a Hasselblad that a very good friend Connie has lent me.

I may have put myself in a position of having lots of distractions for a reason, but my flame to accomplish some goals I've set for myself are strong. With other distractions going on, a job in Monterey, CA coming up along with some other odds and ends, I'm not sure when I'll be able to set some concrete to some of my goals. Feels good though to have things waiting for me...

hello...

Music Heaven by Lamb

Never before have I been more aware of being in a state of grayness, than I have been for the last few weeks. I'm moving with the winds in the air, waves on the water. I know I'm floating, waiting to hear of the imminent news of my Mom's death.

At this very moment, tears well up in my eyes and roll down my cheek. I don't have a specific thought about my Mom in my head. I don't know if there is any room for anything in particular... I just sit here 2000 miles away, near midnight and think of her.

Street in Chicago...

Music | Cosy in the Rocket by Psapp

On the way to the airport on the "el". Real buildings, real street...

Me, 150 years ago

Music | Illumination by Thievery Corporation


by Ray Bidegain

The Beauty of a Process...

Music | Beautiful Calm Driving by Sia

On this late morning, I was asked to sit for a portrait by Ray Bidegain, a local photographer who I've been getting to know for the past few months. He is as well a master Platinum | Palladium printer and quickly mastering the technique of Wet Plate Collodion, a process discovered in the early 1850's. I couldn't turn down a session to see him work.

Stepping into an artists work area is magical. I know some of Ray's work, have seen a few up close and many on the internet. But to step into the space and see works of art placed here and there, images just recently created and images that had brought inspiration from years ago tell volumes of an artist. Not only would today render a portrait of me, but again, I would also see Ray in action and I would to my surprise get the chance to create an image the way it was done over 150 years ago.

Ray managed to nail a wonderful portrait of me on his first try showing the Wet Plate Collodion process as we went along. After another exposure, he let me make a go of it, from coating my own plate, shooting and then processing. The entire process is within minutes as the coated plate (film) has to stay wet thru out the process.

Not only did was I able to see the magic, I'm quite happy with the portrait I photographed of Mr. Bidegain.



I didn't quite get the coating of the plate correct, hence the black uncoated areas of the image, but it is a one of a kind piece of art. I have to say there aren't many prints that I have that rival the beauty and depth of a Wet Plate Collodion image.

As much as I would love to dive in, I don't feel I am ready. I think there is a period one must work to get to a point to be able to create in this manner. Every step of the way is a very personal journey. I was shown the ropes, but I can also appreciate that it took Ray years to get where he is right now. At this time, I'll be in an appreciation mode.

Empty...

Music | I Go to Sleep by Sia

I am just so tired...

More Good Byes...

Music | Threads by David S. Ware

I'm back home from an emotional trip to the Midwest to see Mom. I'll just get right to it... I wrote late evening after my Mom's living wake...

2008-07-05

It is the night before I will never see my mother again... Every moment of the day carries the weight of a lifetime. I see sadness and pain and I feel for my mother... I see fleeting joy and happiness and know it will really be short lived... I can't bear the thought that after tomorrow, I will never see her again. We'll talk on the phone, I'll send photos, but the largest part of my own life will move on, out of this lifetime that I am apart of.

I sit hear writing, tears falling from my eyes, with my mind filled with thoughts of my mother. I'm glad that I was a part of today, with my family and some of her friends to show our love... I know she had a good day, with lots of smiles and feelings of true love.

I will miss you so much Mom. I love your with all my heart!

And yesterday at the airport while waiting for my flight...

2008-07-08

The day of departing our separate ways was bittersweet. Mom woke up early not feeling comfortable. We all knew that for me, it would be the last time I would see her. We sat outside around the front door and as the seconds to the moment to say good bye came, Mom said this would be the last time she would be here, put her face in her lap and let loose. I've never seen her cry like this, openly sobbing. The only time that came close was when she got a call from Japan to hear that her last surviving brother had just passed away. I could only follow Mom's lead, crying and trying to console her at the same time. She said that she wasn't emotional like this because she was dying, but because that she would not be around the family anymore, of being together.

I walked her to the car where she got seated and situated. I gave her one last hug, one last kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. Dad pulled out of the drive way and moved forward to head home as Mom waved thru the open window.

More on Mom...

Music | Who Used to Dance by Abbey Lincoln

I'm getting ready for my trip back to see my Mom in a few days, since the bad news that was brought on to us. I realized there are things that cannot wait and others things that just don't matter much at all.

I sprung to action regarding a photo that I shot of her, probably not more than 10-12 years ago when she and my Dad still lived in Chicago. Thru out her life, she has been adventurous, having competitively jumped horses, piloted glider planes and always beat the boys in running races when she was younger.

I don't remember specifically, but I'm sure during this day, we were sitting in the living room doing nothing in particular when my Mom could have just grabbed my jacket and put it on. I may have had a point and shoot in the pocket and added the sun glasses for more effect. A quick pose and a quick few snaps and here is a photo that depicts my Mom... adventurous, humorous, with a bit of spontaneity...



And btw, I do recall my Mom wanted to go to the grocery store one afternoon when I rode my motorcycle instead of driving the car. She really needed to go so she got on the back of my bike with my over sized helmet on her tiny head and we headed off. She had to be at least 70 years old at the time and never missed a beat. The looks we got were great!

Anticipation Revealled...

Music | Maiden Voyage by Herbie Hancock

The joy and anticipation has resulted in a few nice photographs from my own maiden voyage with the Yashica Mat 124-G. I picked up the processed film and prints from the lab and was initially a little disappointed. But as I look over the prints, images start to grow on me. I scanned these 2 photos and started to play with them in photoshop. I altered them from the original prints much more than I would have anticipated, but I like them.





I've all ready got roll 2 loaded. I hope to be more concise with my exposures as the 1st time, I was all over the place. Meter in hand with the camera, I'll shoot my 2nd roll later this week.

Patience...

Music | Ode to Tip by Fred Anderson

I was recently the lucky beneficiary of a camera I've yearned for since I knew I was never going to get my Hasselblad back that I sold in the early 2000's. This camera has been going up and down in price, but never so low that I was able to pick one up for myself. Now, I finally have one and am in the midst of having to wait for my film to get processed and have proofs made, just like the pre digital days where I would drop my film off at Walgreens and would have to wait as much as a week to see the photos.



I dropped off my 1st roll of film to the lab earlier today and was told I had to wait until Thursday to see the fruits of my labor. In a few months, I will be processing my own film and my feedback to see what I have shot won't be so filled with the pleasant anxiety and frustration I feel now, now that I do in fact have to wait. In time... I keep telling myself that in time, I will be able to get going with what I want to start achieving right now. I have no choice but to be patient.

Time...

Music | Wild is the Wind by Nina Simone

In the time it takes to have a conversation, my Mom found out she has about 4 months to live with stomach, liver and I think lung cancer. After hearing about the 4 months, I didn't really comprehend too much after that... She had seen the doctors about some back pain just a week earlier, but had another complication that turned into another visit to the doctors, that turned into tests and turned into the conversation that lead to the news of my Mom's fate. I found out thru my sister, Iris the day before I spoke with my Mom that there was some serious health issues. I called her the next day, about 2 hours before she got the news. She was upbeat, but knew she had the cancers. That evening, after her conversation with the doctor, she called me and told me the news. All the cancer, the 4 months... I was quite surprised by her demeanor in which she talked with me. She showed me strength and even some humor.

About 5 months ago, my Mother told me about a dream she recently had. Clear as yesterday, she said she saw her mother, dressed beautifully and at about the young age she had passed away. They sat together as my Grandmother spoke to her and told my Mom that right now is not the time, that she had some things to still settle and take care of. When it is time, she will know.

I brought up that conversation that she had while we had our talk that evening. I think the comfort that my Mom has from that dream has given her the strength to turn down chemo treatments and let nature take its own course. She has said she is not afraid of dying. "It is Time" and she knows her mother will be there for her.

When Things are Wrong...

Music | Breathe Me by Sia Furler



Out of focus, blurred, head cut off, loss of shadow detail, heavy cross lighting... Geez!

What could you not love about this photo?

Dara from another time...

Music | Once Again by Handsome Boy Modeling School

To ad to my monologue about TTV...