July 29, 2008


Music Heaven by Lamb

Never before have I been more aware of being in a state of grayness, than I have been for the last few weeks. I'm moving with the winds in the air, waves on the water. I know I'm floating, waiting to hear of the imminent news of my Mom's death.

At this very moment, tears well up in my eyes and roll down my cheek. I don't have a specific thought about my Mom in my head. I don't know if there is any room for anything in particular... I just sit here 2000 miles away, near midnight and think of her.

July 27, 2008

Street in Chicago...

Music | Cosy in the Rocket by Psapp

On the way to the airport on the "el". Real buildings, real street...

July 17, 2008

Me, 150 years ago

Music | Illumination by Thievery Corporation

by Ray Bidegain

July 16, 2008

The Beauty of a Process...

Music | Beautiful Calm Driving by Sia

On this late morning, I was asked to sit for a portrait by Ray Bidegain, a local photographer who I've been getting to know for the past few months. He is as well a master Platinum | Palladium printer and quickly mastering the technique of Wet Plate Collodion, a process discovered in the early 1850's. I couldn't turn down a session to see him work.

Stepping into an artists work area is magical. I know some of Ray's work, have seen a few up close and many on the internet. But to step into the space and see works of art placed here and there, images just recently created and images that had brought inspiration from years ago tell volumes of an artist. Not only would today render a portrait of me, but again, I would also see Ray in action and I would to my surprise get the chance to create an image the way it was done over 150 years ago.

Ray managed to nail a wonderful portrait of me on his first try showing the Wet Plate Collodion process as we went along. After another exposure, he let me make a go of it, from coating my own plate, shooting and then processing. The entire process is within minutes as the coated plate (film) has to stay wet thru out the process.

Not only did was I able to see the magic, I'm quite happy with the portrait I photographed of Mr. Bidegain.

I didn't quite get the coating of the plate correct, hence the black uncoated areas of the image, but it is a one of a kind piece of art. I have to say there aren't many prints that I have that rival the beauty and depth of a Wet Plate Collodion image.

As much as I would love to dive in, I don't feel I am ready. I think there is a period one must work to get to a point to be able to create in this manner. Every step of the way is a very personal journey. I was shown the ropes, but I can also appreciate that it took Ray years to get where he is right now. At this time, I'll be in an appreciation mode.

July 15, 2008


Music | I Go to Sleep by Sia

I am just so tired...

July 09, 2008

More Good Byes...

Music | Threads by David S. Ware

I'm back home from an emotional trip to the Midwest to see Mom. I'll just get right to it... I wrote late evening after my Mom's living wake...


It is the night before I will never see my mother again... Every moment of the day carries the weight of a lifetime. I see sadness and pain and I feel for my mother... I see fleeting joy and happiness and know it will really be short lived... I can't bear the thought that after tomorrow, I will never see her again. We'll talk on the phone, I'll send photos, but the largest part of my own life will move on, out of this lifetime that I am apart of.

I sit hear writing, tears falling from my eyes, with my mind filled with thoughts of my mother. I'm glad that I was a part of today, with my family and some of her friends to show our love... I know she had a good day, with lots of smiles and feelings of true love.

I will miss you so much Mom. I love your with all my heart!

And yesterday at the airport while waiting for my flight...


The day of departing our separate ways was bittersweet. Mom woke up early not feeling comfortable. We all knew that for me, it would be the last time I would see her. We sat outside around the front door and as the seconds to the moment to say good bye came, Mom said this would be the last time she would be here, put her face in her lap and let loose. I've never seen her cry like this, openly sobbing. The only time that came close was when she got a call from Japan to hear that her last surviving brother had just passed away. I could only follow Mom's lead, crying and trying to console her at the same time. She said that she wasn't emotional like this because she was dying, but because that she would not be around the family anymore, of being together.

I walked her to the car where she got seated and situated. I gave her one last hug, one last kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her. Dad pulled out of the drive way and moved forward to head home as Mom waved thru the open window.
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